My First Night

As my husband drove away down our long gravel driveway...my coldness gave way to tears after I could no longer see his car.... Everything that I've been anticipating the entire summer is now upon me. 

A year ago we were spending our first night here filled with hope and anticipation...Sitting on this very brick shelf we contemplated the potential we were sitting in. We thought about all this home would come to witness...all the joy and pain of life....

Now I am sitting here alone....wondering if the distance we now feel is here to stay or will give way to something new....

At this point I really don't know where we stand...

I know that I want to stay present in my choice to come up here. I want to surprise myself. I want to be strong, content, and present. I want loneliness to give birth to creativity....

On the Brink

Dancing on the razor’s edge 

On the brink of something new

It’s that instant right before night ends and day breaks

It’s that moment right before a blossom bursts into a flower

It’s that tension upon which creation manifests

On the brink of when death gives birth to life

Shedding the ways we used to be 

Surrendering to who we may become.

On the Brink

Dancing on the razor’s edge 

On the brink of something new

It’s that instant right before night ends and day breaks

It’s that moment right before a blossom bursts into a flower

It’s that tension upon which creation manifests

On the brink of when death gives birth to life

Shedding the ways we used to be 

Surrendering to who we may become

Searching for Self through My Ancestors

In the Yoruba tradition great emphasis is placed on ancestor worship. It's about developing an understanding about your ancestors so you know who to pray to and who to pray for. Ancestor work is meant to be a tool to understand yourself and to free yourself from generational pathology.

I've recently started working with Kalila Borghini a licensed psychotherapist and practitioner of Yoruba. http://www.childofthestones.com/ and we are framing our sessions in terms of ancestor work. The little that we have done together has been great and it has inspired in me a great curiosity to know where I came from a desire that I have long had but have also long postponed. As my parents age and I begin to come to terms with their mortality time is of the essence to know myself though my ancestors.

I wish I could go back in time and have asked the right questions or have actually really listened to the stories but there is no use in wishing for that. All I can do is work with what I have.

After today's session I realized that I have taken for granted the fact that I think this information will always be around for me. She was asking me what is like for my dad to grow up during the depression and I honestly had no answer. He must have told me stories. I'm not sure I was listening or back then perhaps I just didn't know what to listen for.

Our life stories are precious. The life stories of those who came before us are precious and they are such rich tools to understanding the Self.

I look forward to many conversations with my family who I am still blessed to have and I hope through them that I am able to better understand my ancestry and know for whom I should pray and to whom I should pray.

On the Path

In meditation when a thought enters your mind you aren't supposed to be all judgmental and feel ashamed that you haven't reached yogi transcendence, you just realize that for the past ten minutes you have been making to do lists, let that go and continue with following your breath. So here once again, I will let go of the fact that the last time I wrote in this was way over a year ago and I will just pick back up without any judgment and continue following my key strokes.

Since my first introduction to plant medicines in October 2009,  I  have been on a spiritual trajectory. While always being spiritual, I'm now at a point where I'm trying to create a spiritual practice that aligns my life with my spirituality.

The path seems to be illuminated and it almost feels as if this spiritual path is unfolding before my eyes. It's as if I have my own internal compass that seems to know where to direct even if I'm not conscious of it. It's a time of expansion.

I can't say I know where its taking me. According to June Brought http://www.akashicjune.com/Blank.html who channels the Akashic Records my spiritual path is the practice of joy and play. It is those things that align me with the divine. It's dance and music and play.

And that answer resonates me.  This summer I was in Havana, Cuba and I was honestly transported to a different realm through the playing of the congas, bata drums, and chanting. It felt as if I was in ceremony. It just hit me in this gutteral place. The orisas were so powerful. It's a creation story that resonates with me and I want to know more about the orisas.

I've since been doing reading on Orisas, Yoruba and Santeria Religion and most recently I have been told about Umbanda and Templo Guaracy http://www.temploguaracy.org.br/ and I think I've found a philosophy that completely aligns with my beliefs. Now that I know something is out there it's time to explore it more deeply.

Whether this path leads to initiation into Umbanda doesn't really matter. It's that feeling of connection that is truly the blessing. If ayahuasca has taught me anything it's that you never really arrive anywhere. So I continue to walk this path in faith of the path itself and not really where it leads. May it be a path towards the light.

Ache!

You Are....

To see you with new eyes

was worth all of the pain

To see you in all your beauty

and in all of your wisdom

Was worth all of the sorrow

She took off the mask

let in the light

And showed me your radiant being

You are a teacher

And she allowed me to be your student

You are a caregiver

And she allowed me to receive your nurturance

You are a rhythm maker

And she allowed your beat to enter and move my body

You are love

And she allowed me to be In love.

Gracias Madrecita

Character Traits on a Continuum

So I recently began seeing a therapist. Much of the motivation to see her has to do with the fact that she is actually covered by my insurance so why not? I figure as a self reflective person it might be nice to have a neutral person in my life help me to really observe my thought patterns and help me to make changes where I deem them necessary.

At times I enter counseling a bit stressed out because I don't know where I want the conversation to lead and what my goal is. It's kind of funny that therapy actually stresses me out. Are my issues big enough or am I just creating problems because I'm lucky enough to do so? That's a whole other topic.

When I walked in for my last session, I told her that I didn't really know how to proceed. Do I just talk about whatever and see where that goes or do I come in with a goal in mind? She simply said that I could do either. So I chose just to talk.

I told her about a silly fight Joe and I had and soon enough this conversation spiraled into me to venting about some of Joe's character traits that I have grown to disdain. In particular his way of needing everything to be so perfect. How he re-washes dishes that I wash, or wipes down the counter I have just wiped down, or if God forbid I damage something how he sits there meticulously inspecting the damage.

The problem is that I get very defensive when he does these things. I feel bad that I didn't do it well enough and feel that when he redoes the things I have done he is judging me. Perhaps I'm just judging myself. Why can't it be simple like I cleaned the counter the way I wanted to and he is cleaning it the way he wants to. I'm not quite sure why these things make me angry, sometimes I equate his meticulousness with coldness, but I don't quite think that is a fair judgment. I'm sure he could work with me on this a bit, especially when it comes to re-doing the things I have already done. Plus I think it would help if he could laugh at himself a bit. God forbid I call him anal, but its true. Anyway it my work here, not his.

Disdain in marriage isn't good. Rolling your eyes at your husband's way of being isn't good. It's hurtful. While I am sure some of my traits bother him, he doesn't seem to hate them in the same way.

Anyway, Angela (my therapist)  got me thinking about my disdain for these traits and gave me some perspective. She explained that what I'm doing isn't good because I am boxing him into a person that I don't like. The truth is that the traits that I am seeing when he cleaning up after me lie on a continuum, this continuum being the character trait of responsibility. On one end exists the traits that are currently bothering me and on the other end are many of the traits I most admire in him.

He comforts me knowing that he is a man of his word, that he has an "I can do it" attitude, and always makes me feel calm knowing that there is always a plan. Just because his often meticulous ways for caring for the house and other things gets on my nerves, I can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. (Sure hope I got that saying right)

What I need to do is learn to accept all of the continuum. It will take some work, but it isn't insurmountable. We both need to accept our own shortcomings and accept that the things that may rub us the wrong way about each other often exist on the same continuum as the traits that made us fall in love.