My Relationship Vision

I am looking for a serious and playful relationship. You are self aware and though our tools /practices may be different, you explore your inner world and you work to develop a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. You are compassionate and empathetic with yourself, me, and others.  

You are curious about the world and most importantly you are are curious about me and I am curious about you.  You want to know what makes me tick and I want to know what makes you tick.

We are connected even when we are apart. We share a deep enough trust so that our time alone reinvigorates our relationship. At a party or a social engagement, we might be talking or dancing with others, but when we catch each others eye from across the room we smile. It’s not forced. We smile because we feel deeply recognized by the other.

You know that a serious relationship/marriage needs tending and most importantly you know that in order to be in relationship, you must first tend to yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  

We listen to each other deeply. We both work to love and accept each other as we are. We know that it’s more than saying “I accept you” we know that acceptance takes practice.

You seek to have a relationship based on honesty and truth. You hold that belief firmly and are willing at times to be uncomfortable, but you stay as present, gentle, and fearless as you can. This courageousness enlivens us.

We enjoy being together and have fun together. We share the burdens of daily existence and balance the responsibilities of life with spontaneity and joy. Individually and together we seek to experience the magic of everyday moments. We share those moments with each other to help remind each other of the secret world that exists underneath our clunky day to day lives.

When we are together we both feel like our spirits are being lifted and being in each others presence brings a feeling of expansion. We inspire each other to lead creative and meaningful lives that benefit others, yet we understand that the spark of that inspiration begins within us. We know how to bring each other joy, because individually we know how to bring joy into our own lives.

We also know how to infuse humor and levity into situations. We use it to diffuse difficult situations and to keep ourselves real. We know when to be serious, we know how to play, we know how to make fun of ourselves, our idiosyncrasies and our neurotic yet very humanizing tendencies.

You have your own passions. We share in many, but you keep a few just for you.  Perhaps some of the things we have in common are our interest in foreign travel and cultures, cooking/dining out, dancing, singing, playing music, spending time outdoors, talking about the meaning of life, spending time with family and friends, and trying new things. You enjoy time together with me, but you also enjoy time a part. If we have different passions or interests, we would receive great joy watching/knowing that  the other person is doing something that invigorates them and brings them a sense of vitality.  At times, we may even choose to tolerate doing something we might not really want to do, because we know it makes the other person happy and we know that our happiness is interdependent.

We share our dreams and fears and we work to understand eachothers deepest needs. We choose to live from our hearts instead of our fears. We work to communicate thoughtfully and respectfully. We are forgiving of each others mishaps, though, we also apply discipline so as not to repeat them again.

We seek to have a relationship that serves a higher purpose.

I Release You

I thought I'd let you go many times before, but the truth is that I had just buried the love I felt for you deep inside of me while I treaded on the surface of my life

At times, I'd actually convinced myself that it had gone away, but the memory of you would appear and suddenly I'd recognize that lump in the bottom of my throat alerting me to the lie that I was living..Yet I chose to bury it again and again choosing false logic over love

Until one day it all broke.....And in a flash I saw how I had spent the past 10 years of my life grasping at a memory, fantasizing about our happy ending, meanwhile sacrificing my now....

So today I grieve a love that never really had a chance to start...a love that was captured in its purest state, a love that died out of false agreements and cowardice to live what was in my heart

I release the memory of the way my eyes met yours on the beach in Renanca

I release the way we dove carelessly in the frigid ocean later drying ourselves and taking the bus to eat lunch with your Tia Buena Tela

I release ......

I release the words of Pablo Neruda and the way we danced in the street to the music that pulsated in our bodies

I release the moments we spent dancing in your living room to Gypsy Kings and David Gray

I release the way we made love of a different kind that night when all you touched was my heart

I release..............

I release the comfort of sitting by your mother's side drinking tea, eating pan con palta, and  talking about life

I release the moment when she called me an angel sent by your father to brighten the first Christmas spent without him

I release the moment when we made love, wrapped around each others bodies, eyes open and tears rolling down our faces because we had found our home in each other

I release the time we drank wine out of a box sitting on the banks of Rio Valdivia

I release our dream of  a casa de campo on the hill in Niebla, in the special spot that only we knew

I release.................

I release the adrenaline of hitchhiking to Chiloe and watching you dance the cuenca as we waited for a friendly passerby to stop and give us a ride

I release the moment that you bid me farewell at the bus terminal in Vina and the way you wore your cap

I release all the ways I fantasized about the way our story would end

I release the hold you've had on my heart for the past ten years, I release the broken record of our love that's been playing over and over in my mind.

Thank you for the incredible memories but now I release the hold that they have had over me for these past ten years

I release them so that I may live now, present, available to love and be loved

An Honest Look at My Facebook Use and a New Aspiration

With the New Year here filled with intentions and aspirations, I feel called to explore what I want my relationship with Facebook to be like in 2015.

I recently read somewhere that basically Facebook is a fantastic tool for "managing acquaintances and keeping in touch with people you otherwise would have forgotten" I agree. It certainly serves that role very well. Yet, I wonder if Facebook could be something more.

For 2015, I intend to attempt to hold and live the following questions in relation to my use of Facebook:  If I choose to not go monk style and completely abstain from its use, how can I utilize Facebook in life affirming ways? How can I use this digital community to connect in honest and more humanizing ways? 

You see I think to try to have a conscious relationship with Facebook is probably way more difficult than completely cutting it out, so I hope to see if I am up to the challenge and I hope to be gentle with myself if I fall into using it in habitual and life depleting ways. 

For me to begin to live the questions above, I first need to explore the ways Facebook hasn't served me in life affirming ways. 

 So here it goes Facebook I am about to get real honest with you and myself. Though I have certainly benefited from your use in many ways, you have also caused me great suffering. But that is not a totally fair statement. Are you really causing me to suffer? I don't think so. It's not your fault, it is mine and I take 100% responsibility for that. 

It's not you who controls my finger that endlessly scrolls my newsfeed on cold and lonely nights in hopes that somehow you will fill this restless, hollow, juicy, yet scary place that exists inside of me. 

It's not you who quickly slips from relishing in friends joys to comparing if my level of fun and joy measures up to what everyone else around me projects

It's not you who posts something and then incessantly checks the number of likes and comments to validate my own self worth

I know that we are all way more than the carefully world we curate for others to see...Yet somehow that understanding seems to slip away and the more time I spend on you comparing, and image crafting, the less happy I feel.

So besides completely dumping you or quietly and passively using you while casting judgements on the variety of posts that end up in my newsfeed, I wonder how I might use you in more life affirming ways? 

When Solitude Turns to Loneliness

It's been just over four months since moving up to the farm....Life continues to unfold and at times I feel like I'm at the center of it and at other times I feel like I'm on the periphery an outsider looking in...

It's hard to have an experience without judging it. I want to be here and know it yet there is an endless stream of commentary and analyzing. Do I like it better than the city? Do I regret my choice to come here? What am I missing by being here? What am I gaining by being here? Is this what I want? What do I want? I'd like to put the commentator on mute and just live it.

Being here alone has been an interesting experience. I am learning to be alone. It's very interesting because I experience that aloneness so differently during the morning and the evening.

The morning I greet the solitude like a dog greets his owner after a long separation. I welcome being alone with open arms. I look forward to sitting on my cushion, watching the spiraling smoke of incense, reading poetry in a dramatic voice, and speaking my prayers aloud..I relish in the ritual of making a cup of coffee...sitting in my corner journal in hand with view of the mist rising from distant Catskill mountains. With time, I make my way up to the circle to speak my prayers to the universe and to reaffirm my intention to live simply and to uplift the lives of others by uplifting my own life. This is sacred time. It feeds my soul and gives me a sense of purpose.

Being alone at night is different. At night being alone, solitude transforms into loneliness. In the country, that constant buzz of life that the city provides isn't here. Everyone retreats to their homes and routines. The opportunity for outside stimuli and distractions aren't as vastly available. When my car pulls down our long and dark driveway and I step out my aloneness is palpable. Fear begins to percolate and I am left with a choice of indulging it or letting it pass by. I've done both. I've tried to slow down my walk from the car to the house, to take time to look at the trees, the starry sky, and feel a part of it. That loneliness and fear subsides a little. I've wanted to take time to befriend the dark to walk around alone at night and explore her mysterious and wild ways. Yet, I haven't  strayed too far from the front porch. while I'm here alone but for the most part I come inside, lock my door, and try to fill that hole I feel. I was hoping that these lonely moments would lead to creativity but I find myself self soothing in easier more habitual ways. In my mind, I'd greet the darkness with song and poetry but I've mostly found myself scrolling through Facebook, texting friends, and in general making noise to cover the din of loneliness and fear. What would happen if I sat here in the quiet and stillness of the night? What if I just simply sat in it and didn't try to cover it up? Would fear eventually turn to boredom? Then what? Would I perhaps meet that wild yet shy woman who lives in my soul? Would I be able to hear her call?

My First Night

As my husband drove away down our long gravel driveway...my coldness gave way to tears after I could no longer see his car.... Everything that I've been anticipating the entire summer is now upon me. 

A year ago we were spending our first night here filled with hope and anticipation...Sitting on this very brick shelf we contemplated the potential we were sitting in. We thought about all this home would come to witness...all the joy and pain of life....

Now I am sitting here alone....wondering if the distance we now feel is here to stay or will give way to something new....

At this point I really don't know where we stand...

I know that I want to stay present in my choice to come up here. I want to surprise myself. I want to be strong, content, and present. I want loneliness to give birth to creativity....

On the Brink

Dancing on the razor’s edge 

On the brink of something new

It’s that instant right before night ends and day breaks

It’s that moment right before a blossom bursts into a flower

It’s that tension upon which creation manifests

On the brink of when death gives birth to life

Shedding the ways we used to be 

Surrendering to who we may become.

On the Brink

Dancing on the razor’s edge 

On the brink of something new

It’s that instant right before night ends and day breaks

It’s that moment right before a blossom bursts into a flower

It’s that tension upon which creation manifests

On the brink of when death gives birth to life

Shedding the ways we used to be 

Surrendering to who we may become